I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
All the doctor said was why
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
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