I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
Randomize
