so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
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