I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
Randomize
