hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
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