It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
no, he came in my armpit
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
I bet him anal if they won...the one time Detroit decides to win, it had to be this week
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
we played a my little pint drinking game. It was awesome.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Randomize
