piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
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