I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
I've got to admit, I'm a little hesitant about giving him road head. I've seen how he drives and I've seen how he acts when I give him head. A small part of me is saying this is going to end badly.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
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