So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
Just pee around me
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Randomize
