we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
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