Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Randomize
