Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
I don't even think NICOLE made a fool of herself last night...
your aware she lit herself on fire, right?
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
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