woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
pop tarts are not kleenex
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
Randomize
