I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
Randomize
