hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
we did shots in class this morning as part of a presentation. WHY AM I LEAVING THIS COUNTRY?!
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
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