Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
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