After last night, I could never be a politician.
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
they are using this drunk girl like a spin the bottle in the hot tub, whoever she lands on she makes out with.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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