I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
Randomize