Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
I think I kinda wanna bone that ginger from Harry Potter.
You literally just made my flesh crawl.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
Randomize
