Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
he thought i was a dude.
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
