I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
Four minutes until I can fart!
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
Randomize
