Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
Randomize
