how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
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