Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
11am puke and rally. THIS is what I'm gonna miss about college.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
