That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
There was a community pot of Ramen, and if you were in the pool you were either fully clothes or ass naked.
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
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