Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
she is graduated, working for the school, and puking in the bathroom of a frat house. she wants brush her hair so she doesnt "look trashy". im in love.
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
jersey shore has given me a vivid depiction of what things will be like for me once i get to hell
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
Randomize
