My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
