I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
I haven't even sucked a boob is 6 weeks I hate not college
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
Randomize