I molested 6 butterflies tonight
He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
Randomize
