I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
People in love make me want to vomit
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
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