Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
