the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
Randomize
