pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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