Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Randomize
