I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
Randomize
