So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
