after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
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