4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
she said it was ok for her to take her top off in the hot tub but she didn't take off her bottoms because that would be slutty
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
Randomize
