I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
Randomize
