I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
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