Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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