soooo we both peed the bed last night...
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
Not my type. One of those types that loves that they're educated, could drink their red wine and have an intellectual conversation and have a wonderful time
An adult?
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
Randomize
