i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
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