I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
My bed smells like the plague
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
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