I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
Randomize
