I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
I would not be watching the debate if there wasn't drinking involved. Let's be honest.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Randomize
