My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
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