my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
final thoughts: i just want someone into choking me out, weed and anime
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
Randomize
