lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
Randomize
