if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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