before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
Randomize
