this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
Randomize