I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
