i guess. but if i can salvage this and still somehow see you naked i feel like that's a win
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
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