Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
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