My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
Randomize
