I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
We talked him into tasing himself.
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Randomize
