Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
Randomize