omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
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