Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
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