i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
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