I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
Randomize
