Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
All I can see in the pic you sent is white shorts...
Thas my pasnts in colleg! Tehy glow! AND SMELL LIKE BEER!
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Thats alot of pressure.
Just on your vagina. BTW I'm passing your house.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Randomize
