my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
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