Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
No I am not eating basil off your cock
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
Randomize
